Saturday, December 10, 2005
Family
I'm feelin it again.
And i seriousy hate that feelin.
I feel that i'm the most useless person among all of them.
I feel that i'm the most distant from all of them.
I feel that im in another part of the world at times.
I feel that im the lousiest in everythin among them again.
I feel that they dont actually understand what i think and feel.
I feel that they cant be bothered to call me.
i feel out of place at times.
i feel so demoralised at times.
i feel like a dumb fool at times.
i feel that what i think, aint what they think im thinkin.
I feel that what i did, are.. nothing.
Recently, it always happen. Perhaps since young, my family is different from them. My parents are different from them, i would say. What i mean, isnt tryin to say mine are the bad one, but just different adults with their different point of views.
I do remember how we spent our days together when we were all young, the fun we had, the bullys we had and did to each other, the jokes we made out, and the dicussion about growin up. Im always hopin for the day to meet up together since we were very very very young, but those days were so difficult to get in the past. Even if we managed to meet up, its isnt till a while and we will be part again, and den hopin for the next get-together one after another time. We would talk about anything in the world, anything. We have endless conversations and also updates for each other.From how we know how to walk, eat sweets with wrappers to show how capable we are, and with CHIJ equals to chicken hens in jail. I remember them clearly, everything. I love to meet up with you guys and would very much want to do so. I do know that u guys know its aint easy.But its also aint that easy.
Now. Years have past, and i know we are all growin up. Each of us are all busy with our own stuffs. Get together become lesser. I know its only me who is driftin apart from you guys. Because of the way my family wrks, because of my busy schedule, because of the way it is since last time. i've been trying hard to meet up with you guys, and i hate it when you guys cant even bothered to call me because of my family. It just seems to you all, i aint interested in meetin up, or givin excuses not to meet up. But do you all noe the exact situation at that point of time? Im not blamin my family, i know they cares alot. and Im not blamin anyone at all. Its just that, i never gave the excuses to not meet up, they are reasons. And do you know most of the time even i managed to meet up, i'll bring along a fearful worried feelin together? well, its been better now, i can make it to meet ups, cuz its more of the busy schedule now. call me, whenever i can, i'll sure make it. No dpubts. No excuses.
Because of a minor incident today, it adds on to the feelin tat, whenever im around, things goes wrong. Wrong,wrong and wrong. I dont know how to explain how i feel to you guys. Its not easy. And sometimes, im beginnin to feel like im a different me when im with you guys. Not putting an act, but different. Perhaps its because you guys see each other very much more often than i do. But, its not wat i wanted it to be too. I care for you guys, but though i care, it seems to you guys i dont. Its true that u all might understand me and know what am i like, but you all dont exactly understand and know. What i exactly means is, because since young, im that way, until now, the feelin impression still remains. But i just want to say, people changed. Be it thinkin, point of views and all. It hard to explain to you guys, cuz i feel whatever i said, Yes you understand, but you also dont understand. You all might think im stubborn at times, or what i am talkin plus the way i am since young, even right will become towards the wrong side. And its not exactly stubborn, naive and all, but perhaps you all might change abit of that thinkin and get to know exactly what i seriously mean.
Okay, i getting confused by myself with what i am sayin. Its just hard to explain. Well. Enough of my rants, im feelin much better. Gotta turn in soon.
Well, i just wanna say, i love you all,not a little, but infact alot alot alot. You all will definetly be the ones that i will always love. i know you all do too, cousins, grandma, godma, daddy mommy. And I care. I really really do. Always.
Good night.
[[ 12:17 AM ]]